Gank or be ganked

For all my fans that play THAT game.
For the rest of you... well its time you started.

What the fuck was I thinking?

I really don't know. It just came to me. I wounder does any one read this anymore?

Scary Space Travelers

This is to say thank you to Lisa Marie Nowak. You made a very depressed ork laugh out loud.
If you have no idea what i am talking about read this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisa_Nowak

Big Fucking Spiders

Hi there girls and boys! Yes its an update! Who would have thunk it? A POST! After all this time and here I am making a post, but wait there is more! I have a toon to boot. Wow it must be your lucky day it’s a double whammy happy blog experience. (That word experience! What synonyms can one use instead of EXPERIENCE? Come on peeps help me out here and leave some of your ideas in a comment.)

Well here I am. As most have you know, I have relocated to the sunny back water of Plettenberg Bay. If you don’t know where it is well… look it up you lazy reprobate! You are on the god damned internet! Yes I have made my way to the capital of friendliness the nirvana of welcome the one the only Plett! The land of the ‘Matric Rave’. Yes this is the place where the South African version of Spring Break is held every year.

No really come on guys, where are all the drunk teenaged girls? Where the hell are all the friendly people? Well I am yet to find a friendly local. I am yet to have the ‘moves’ put on me by some sobriety challenged young bikini wearing babe. Ah I suppose thats the price one must pay for being a middle aged long haired hippy with an expanding middle.

Oh hell middle aged! 31 next month. Sigh! Is that middle aged? If one of you decides to call me old I’ll… well it will be dire!
Anyway my visit to Cape Town was wholly successful! Much much friendlier than I remember it from when I left. What the hell! Did you guys miss me or something? Or did the local authorities hand out friendly pills? If so could you guys please send some down here? Some of these fuckers are in real need of a sense of humor upgrade.

Ok so here is the whole point to this rather pointless post is to tell you about this HUGE spider I found! Ok so it was like this gargantuan menace that decided that my maid was on the menu. I am not kidding when I say that insects here are huge! Which means that their predators are even huge…er? Its like the Lost World man. I am expecting a dinosaur to be chased across my lawn by pigmy gorilla men at any moment now. Anyway I digress (I like that word ‘digress’. Don’t you? Its very visceral sounding.)

My poor maid was been dragged out the door by this enormous hairy freak with way too many legs. Big hairy legs I tell you, horrible! And the spider had even hairier ones. Eww! Well I could not let her be taken to certain death; I mean the house was not even clean yet. So I grabbed the heaviest pan/pot thing I could find in the cupboard and a pickle jar. Well I will spare the details of blood curdling screams and the icky mess that resulted (I was scared ok. Who would blame me?) I eventually managed to get the behemoth into the jar. I tell you if I had not taken the pickles out first I would never have got him in there. Ok so now subdued and contained I did what any sane acrophobic ex-biologist would do. I kept him on my desk for three days. I called him Fred. He was my mascot while I massacred the evil denizens of Azeroth (yes yes WoW reference.) He did growl rather menacingly when I started killing the spiders in Stone Talon Mountains, so I stopped that. I let him go eventually as I did get rather attached to him and he would not eat the moths and bugs I so lovingly caught for him. Last I saw of him he was slinking into the brush way way way down the other end of the garden dragging a struggling Alsatian with him. Sigh! Ok the point! While sitting in that jar he inspired me to draw a cartoon. Well here it is but for the life of me can I come up with a suitable caption. As it is not quite finished yet I decide to have a bit of a competition. Ye just like Schpat I will resort to devious tactics to get you guys to read this stuff. Its simple, give me a suitable quote/caption in a comment and I will put that on the final product. I do apologize for the rather sloppy drawing technique but I am way out of practice. Please may my critics show some restraint and make some friendly and positive comments.

Ok Boys and Girls sleep tight don’t let the hairy things with too many legs invade your dreams.

O_K

Oh fuck!

Ok so here I am cuzin' some blogs and I discover that old plosy over there is going to die in his sleep. Well at least that's what they are saying @ How Will You Die?? . Well So I take the test and low and behold my head shrinker is fucking wrong. Here be my test score:

You scored as Suicide.
Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you want to know hwo you will commit suicide, take a look at your second highest percentage on the bar graphs.

Suicide 93%
Gunshot 87%
Stabbed 80%
Posion 73%
Bomb 60%
Disease 53%
Eaten 47%
Cut Throat 40%
Disappear 40%
Drowning 33%
Suffocated 20%
Accident 13%
Natural Causes 7%

Ok so now I am a little peeved! 2 hundred bucks a session once to twice a week for like months only to be told:

You are ok and sane and you aint gonna kill yourself! You are a happy sunbeam, of radiant happiness and warmth.

Well it looks my shrinker spent all that time studying to help loonies for no good reason!
I am gonna shoot myself inna head with a gun! But I don't have a gun. I got a marker! That's it I am going to shoot myself inna head with a paint ball gun until the concussion gets me. Perhaps I should save myself the pain and suffering and kill myself with alcohol. If you try this a home children, I might suggest pouring it on yourself and lighting it, because drinking the stuff takes too bloody long.

Ok boys and girls perhaps I will see you again perhaps I won't.
O_K

PS. sigh!

Unlucky Crusty Till Wenches

Since I found myself single and out of the safety of no 62. I have discovered that fast food is more than just a phenomenon it’s a way of life. I would like to think that as a rather experienced fast food eater, I would have seen all there is to see when it come to junk food joints. Well I think I have, it is just the intensity the experience on Sunday that really did not sit well with me. Well that could just be the indigestion actually.

KFC in Rosemead Avenue, Kenilworth. Do go there if you value your intestines and sanity about as much as a kick in the balls. The ladies at the till were fashionably kitted out like they had spent the morning deep frying their clothes after coating them in chicken batter. I shit you the fuck not! but the entire staff were so filthy that some of their clothes were as stiff as fucking boards. So tell me Colonel: Aprons have you heard of these wonderful devices or is it that cleanliness only destroys the source of the secret herbs and spices? I also did notice the compulsory hairnet sitting high upon the greasy ‘do’ of a few of the cooking staff. Very jaunty angles were achieved without covering the hair and depriving the happy customer of those secret herbs.

Man to think that all along I have been deluded to the dangers of fast food. I was expecting to die from the heart attack brought on by the obesity I managed to maintain eating this filth. It appears that some establishments have taken the initiative to prevent me for killing myself with fat and salt and are trying to murder me off with dysentery or something first.

Chicken did taste good though. Chips were a bit off but that’s because I let them get cold.

Cartoon is on the way or at least the first lady character. Soooooon….. sooon my pets! There will be boobies soon!

Ok girls and boys have the fun
O_K

oh yes some one at a certain software company has seen fit to invite me along to a company paintball game. Heh! this is going to be fun.... unless one is like rambo or something. (hundgets my bru!)

Radio Check

"Rest of the World this is Oscar Kilo, Radio Check"
Anyone out there? Wow it has been a long time. and a lot has happened in the last few months. Many things that should have happened did not. I aint gonna go into it here. (this aint that type of blog)

Good news is that I have learnt to draw boobies. So i am hoping to get aounther toon out soon.

Anyway if you still out there leave me comment.

Ok boys and girls see you peeps soon.

Update huh!

Look guys I am under huge amounts of stress as my stupid little life comes apart at the seams. So maintaining a blog is just one of thouse things that will take a backseat. Untill I can get my head right this space will be updated very erraticaly. I do hope to return to it soon.
ok bye for now see you guys when I do.
Al.

welcome to Friday mother fucker

I love Friday don’t you? It’s the one fucking day that just has it fucking all.
It all starts off well with us waking up a quarter hour after we were supposed to be at work cause just like last Friday morning I switched the alarm off thinking it was Saturday morning.
Man I just love that feeling as the sensation of confusion is replaced with dawning realisation and then again with panicky. Hmm jump starts my day like good cup of coffee.

Ok great we are at work and the senior members of your immediate co-workers are giving you the hairy eyeball. God damn it its not like we are going to do any serious work today. And then it hits you no you will not be doing any serious work for MOST of the day. Some stupid effing emergency will pop its head up @ say 4:00pm and try and fuck your week up right at the end of it.

So its lunch time and thank god the canteen makes the nice food on Fridays. The thing is that everyone knows this including the insipid fucks in peanut gallery of anorexic health plans. Ye! I am talking about those morons that sneer @ all the lard asses buying their lunch. I am tired of having some fucking Adonis sniggering behind his hand at what I eat while he flexes those stupid gym muscles at every thing with a space between its legs. I better man for ignoring him, I am a bigger man for I can break this shithead in half. I am an angry man cause I cant get to the fucking counter because shithead his trophy wife and all his fucking leaky spawn have decided to cast away their stupid ‘packed lunch of body beautifulness’ and get the fuck in my way. Fuck just what I need a fucking hypocrite, a fucking hypocrite that gets the last of the calamari and chips, no less.

Ok so lunch is over and I haven’t gone postal on the canteen that’s good. Now let’s see still a shit pile of things that I am deferring till Monday. No emergency yet! Great!
How the fuck to look busy without actually fucking with this wonderful Friday feeling I have.

Ok 4pm and as expected a pesky client will contact us with something that is like an ultra emergency and must be completed before we can go home…. SHIT!!! But wait looky here the boss man is having as good a Friday as me. So email is sent and the client is told where to store their problem for the weekend. Ah yes this Friday is improving loads.

So now what? The work day is done and I now need to go party. Ah yes I will plan the greatest night out on the town since the sacking of Rome, booze, girls, fighting and a general disregard for all things healthy. Yes I think I will plot this terror of the innocents after this cig while I rest my eyes for 10 minutes.

Ok… so we know what happens then right. I wake up on Saturday morning about 3am wondering where the black hole that ate my Friday evening came from. I know it was here because it left a neat little hole in the carpet next to this cigarette butt.

I have to remember that, although cigarettes are dangerous, lighting one is like pulling the pin on a grenade. A smelly one at that.

Party hard girls and boys, have fun and don’t fall down too much.
O_K

Underslung Pinapple launchers???

How about making your marker fully automatic.
or just make it look like one.

Now ask yourself:
Are underslung pinapple launcers just a dream?
Aparently NOT!

Holy crap these peeps are bloody crazy! :) Just like me.
With all this loot to buy I think I will have a birthday twice a year.

Ok well its a short one
Sleep tight (if you dare)
O_K

They Gots me!

Ok so it has become clear that I am suffering from a nasty dose of “almost 30”.
Unlike “almost 50”, I don’t get to buy a stupid expensive car.

I do get to buy cheaper toys though… like a Paint ball marker! ummm that’s a paint ball gun for the uninitiated (something about mother grundies and promoting war like tendencies in the youth today).

Yup! That’s right folks I am now part of that l33t cr3w what like to paint their friends in Technicolor. Yup! I gots initiated too. Seems like I being a tubby lard ass on the paint ball field is not such a good idea. I am still all in Technicolor after the bath, but now with nice green and blue shades and not the happy day glow pink and yellow.

I mean it was fun. I got there with new equipment in hand ready to distribute death and destruction unto the infidel. See that’s where it all started to fall apart.
See I soon I realized that the girls shoot better that me. (chicks 1, ego 0.) And that I pretty much have to stay in a crouch the whole day (enemy snipers 10, Gluteus Maximus 0).
Then I only hit my first opponent by the 7^th or so game (Red team 200 , my aim1), and then to top it all off I enjoyed it way too much (my addictions 5 , my wallet 0).

Ok so why can’t I call it a gun! (This is my marker! This is my Gun! This is for Paint ball! This is for getting myself it way to much trouble!) Well as far as I can understand it is that parents don’t want to pay a huge amount of dosh to train their kiddies to fight wars, when the army will do it for free. Hmmm yes I can see that paint ball is a great way to train little soldiers in the way of war… Lets see:

Lesson one. Effective range of the weapon is with in 15 meters.
Lesson two: Bullets fly at less than 300ft per second.
Lesson three: Who needs a medic when you have a wet wipe?
Lesson four: Arnica is a great treatment for battle wounds.
Lesson five: Yelling FREEZE! Is a valid form of hand to hand combat.

Ah well I suppose all those hours with violent computer games have been a complete waste.

Oh well! I am off to find some soothing ointments.
Sleep tight ladies and gents.

O_K

We return to our regular programming!

I think I can return to ranting about things that piss me off without offending anyone, well anyone important. Psychologically speaking I am about as stable as suicide bomber with half a ton of nitroglycerin up his ass and a nasty acid trip.

Oh hang fire I just used words “suicide bomber” on a public forum.
Good thing I didn’t say anything about the Taliban or anything like that…. Shit fuck …

Hold on got to get the door.
Ok back again… Mr. Smith says that you should stay where you are and not make any sudden movements.

Any way looks like I will be looking into the paint ball dingus this weekend. Loads of time and stuff like that see. Ah the smell of paint the screams of the bruised! This is what war is all about!. Not to mention the taste of my own lungs as they climb form my chest to throttle me every time I run.

Any way it’s a short one today.

So sleep tight girls and boys.
O_K

P.S. No! There is NO comic! Bad Garrick! Sit! Don’t make me hurt you!

Please be a problem we have a patient

Due to personal difficulties this service has been temporarily suspended.
We hope to resume regular programming soon.

For those of you unfortunate enough to actually know what the hell is potting:
Thank you guys! The support and caring has been great.

There are two kinds of shit!

The thing to remember is that there are two kinds of shit. Theirs and ours, in-coming and out-going. Don't worry about either if you can hear it overhead, it going somewhere else. Problem with shit is that it has trouble discerning who's side its on. So it is best not to be where it lands.

So what does this bastardised metaphor for artillery have to do with me. Well shit happened, I was in the wrong place, it fucked me up and you get no cartoon till the weekend (if you are lucky.)

I did warn you not to hold your breath. The good news is I did fall asleep before 10 last night. At least I don't feel as tired as usual.

The hit counter says you are there but I need you guys to be a bit vocal let me know who is reading this shit.

OK girls and boys,
cheers for ears.
O_K

Where has a whole week gone?

Ok right where the fuck is the pause button.
I am so not able to keep up. Its not like life is being particularly difficult at the moment, its just going by at breakneck speed. It just occurred to me to have a quick update on my blog when bam! OH my hell I have lost a week! I must have done some fun things in this last week or at least I hope so.

Ok so why the lost week? Well see I really can’t sleep. And if I don’t sleep I just can’t do squat! I don’t even remember squat! Hell I’ll be surprised if I could squat!

Anyways… Cartoon yes! It is my intent to get something out every Wednesday. Ah but its Wednesday now Al! Ok Ok around Wednesday then. I am currently working on the next character. As there is no DnD tonight, I hope to introduce her (yes it’s a her!) in a three framer hopefully later tonight or even tomorrow morning early (hold your breath at your own peril.)

Oh yes one thing I do remember about this part week: Paintball!
Man I love that game! First time I played with the pumps too. Not so bad in comparison. That’s if you know how to look after them that is. At least they don’t break down as bloody often as the Semi’s do.

Well I was so keen on the game after Saturday’s session that I have decided to get a bit more involved in the scene. I will be looking into getting some gear as soon as my financial mess sorts itself out. (not really a mess, more like mismanagement)
As with all things I do, collaborators are desired! So if anyone has the wish to discover the dark secrets of the Cape Town Paintball community, please contact me. If you know anything about it and have some useful advice or information, uh yes let me know!


That’s that for now girls and boys,
See you soon (I hope).
O_K

More character

Ok so look, I was tired yesterday, so I forgot many things including the fact that yesterday was Tuesday. I went through the whole day thinking it was Wednesday.

So yay! Role-playing is to night and tomorrow night .

Oh and here is my second character. I decided to introduce him in a one framer. Let me know what you guys think

3 little pigs

1st little piggy.
Why in fucks name do you get stupid mother fuckers that think shitting on people’s creativity is cool? Ok see here I am looking for a newer version of particular warcraft 3 custom map. Ok so finding it was harder than it looked, because I had to wade through piles of lesser mortals shite! One poor shit head of a wanker decides that taking said map and populating it with a techno colours and bad heavy metal is cool and of fucking interest to me. I have one question ass wipe!
Do you know what taste is? No I am not talking about that bilious sensation I get in my mouth when my stomach decides to critique your work.

2nd little piggy
Wow that was Acetic! Ok sorry folks I am a little pissed of at the world today. Why? Well I am glad you asked. You see it’s like this: I am programmer, and a good one by many people’s standards (at least I think so). Well we all should know what I feel about my profession. But why the fuck do I have to wind up with these projects that have fuck piles of data capture. And WHY I must do it?

3rd Little piggy
Also I made a one framer this weekend. I would post it here but I left at home today. I will try remembering it tomorrow. It’s the insomnia I tell you! Why the hell is insomnia such a bitch you ask? Well has anyone managed to actually do anything useful while in the grips of the anti-sandman? I have a bucket load of shit to do and no bloody drive to do it. Sniff poor me, feel sorry for me… If you dare…. Or care… Don’t see if I do!

Hmm DnD tonight, yay! Murphy told me I should fall asleep during the game… I hate him!

Since we out west!
Ah yes and tomorrow I DM my DnD game. Hmmm this is going to be fun. I wonder what joys I should throw at my little sausages! Oh that reminds me SynKronos should be Joining my game tomorrow. Well he is a bit of a pork banger to be honest. And me? Well I am a burger patty. Wow is this DnD or breakfast?


ok girls and boys play nice
O_K

Excrement Al!

Alright so I was wrong about the zombie cat reference. It appears that my cat is in fact not the undead risen to plague the world with morbid pleas for food. Oh no its cadaverous carcass is but a shell for a demon of vilest tendencies.

Could not my cat be possessed by a greater demon of destruction or blasphemy? Hey even a lesser one would do. I would not have minded if she were taken over by some horrid twisted defiler of virgins and small Chihuahuas. I would have jumped for glee if she was host to a twisted mind flayer of DOOOOOOOM!
No I would have to get the bloody shit demon.

Well at least the shit was not bloody. I know because it was everywhere. Wait! wait.. Let us paint the scene (or did the cat do that already?)
I have just come home from my Thursday game tired exhausted and really needing a sit down. After fumbling with the keys in the dark for half an hour I manage to enter the house without forcibly removing the door from this reality. “Hmmm” says I, “is that not the faint wafting fumes of feces! Nah that’s just the litter box, yuk!”

Sooo I grab a beer and a seat on the couch. “Ahhh some rest at last… oh hi there Nora cat where you been? ..ohhh!” See that’s me fainting from the lack of oxygen to the brain. Yes the blue yellow green haze following my cat and near throttled me to death.

See what happens is this! Demon:
“I will utterly ruin this poor sods day! Why? Because he did not feed us the food that would kill this mortal host and he subjected us to the VET today!”
So demon caused the cat to make the unholy shit. Added two doses of fetid urine and mixed until the merest glance at the gross consistency caused a passing mortals stomach lining to leap for it purchase and attempt to strangle said mortal. Gently the cat was rolled in the mixture until evenly coated. The Cat was then left on white cushion to cure for a few minutes. *demonic laugh* “Serve warm!”

Ok so there I am passed out on the couch the cat has just completed its little jig of evil all over the couch and me. At this point the stench has abated to an intolerable hell, enough oxygen has reach my brain to give the gag reflex a kick start. Now I am awake, needing a bath, and have a veritable FUCKTON of washing to do. Great I love my life!

And where is Baheelza-Cat? Oh this one has just finished making the dance of evil all over the bed and is now headed for my study!
Well lets say the kitty got clean quickly, and leave that at that. The washing did not.

Maid comes on a Friday. Thank the gods its Friday!

Party hard girls and boys!
O_K

Dude Boobies are hard to draw.

Hello all you nasty blog fiends.
So there I was sitting at my Wednesday DND game, showing off my newfound drawing skills. Says the Rogue to me “Hey can you only draw guys or can you draw girls too?”
“Well” thinks I "how hard can it be?"
“Same kind of body structure just add some boobs… right?”
Ya Right whateva! Ok so drawing the boobs is a lot harder than it sounds. I mean two luscious shaped orbs ‘o the pleasure should be relatively easy for someone who thinks about them oh ever six seconds (yes I do think about sex every 3 seconds, but come on there is so much more of the womanly figure to consider!)

Ok so how the blue blazers do you draw said puppies? Well perhaps I need to do some research. “Internet!” you say. Well yes, if you want boobs to be rock hard protrusions of impossible proportion obviously maintained by the magical antigravity properties of silicon.
Seeing as I am trying to maintain a vague level of realism and propriety (snigger) in my cartoons. I think perhaps only the real thing will do.

Enter all the girls I see in the real life: Stage left.
Ok so here is the thing: Ladies it is vitally important in this delicate time that your knee-to-groin jerk reactions be curtailed in the interests of art. I mean I will be most scientific as I take important measurements of dimension and weight. I am sure you will all understand and wear only the barest concealment that propriety will allow. I do understand that Cape Town is a bit nippy at the moment, but surly you can all see the advantages conducting such experiments in inclement weather.

At this time it may also be prudent to warn your SO’s that said experimentation is harmless and in no way should be construed as myself moving in anyone territory.

Thank you all for your understanding and ..ummm.. support.
O_K

P.S. So I am taking Zombie cat into the vet now. She needs a few more formaldehyde injections to delay any further decay.
O_K

Digit Al & Bad Music

Hey hey! Looky look my photoshop skilz have returned, thank the gods.
I only managed to get some of ¾ view stuff done before I ground to an exhausted stop.
Trying to keep the various elements separate is quite taxing I must say. (I am trying to build up a library of body parts in the hope that it will streamline the process of generating regular comics.)
He still has some work left on him with regards shading and highlights. Let me know what you think.
Well wait a sec… if its praise or constructive criticism let me know, if not…use your imagination.

While working I have been listing to the some of the music Bast prepared for a party at our place. Ok so somewhere between the colouring of the right arm and the torso, Avril pipes up with that insipid little tune of hers Don’t Tell Me.
The part that gets me is that bit that goes:

Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?

Well duh! Unless he’s a priest, sexually incompatible, or immediate family, that’s exactly what he is gonna think.
I mean guys only think that about it every 3 seconds or something stupid. The only real reason guys get messed up with chicks so that they can hide the frank in the bushes. I would not trust any fella that says different.
I keep getting the feeling that we are expected to be embarrassed to have a sex drive. I am remorseful enough for all this other crap my male ancestors did to everyone, and now they want me to feel bad about lil Jim and the Twins.

Don’t get me wrong here. I do support the right for a young lady to say NO.
Still can you expect the guy not to chance his arm? All I am asking for here is a little sympathy for us poor blighters. I mean its bad enough that we have to worry about walking funny every time a woman with any kind of sex appeal enters our vicinity. Now consider the average 16 year old boy: The very thought of Linoleum could leave the poor bastard crawling on the very stuff in great discomfort. Look: it’s a biological imperative that supercedes all rational and socially accepted thought. Hell do you think that swagger that most guys adopt every time a lass is about, is about looking cool. Oh no sister no chance of that, he simply doing the horny horse in the briar patch routine.

Actually it’s quite funny watching the younger members of my sex trying to maintain a level of decorum at the party, once they have sensed that indescribable scent that is womanhood. Hell it is funny watching me trying to complete a sentence at the same party, but that could just be because I am drunk

Any who girls and boys sleep tight and dream nice dreams.
O_K