Saturday, February 03, 2007

Big Fucking Spiders


Hi there girls and boys! Yes its an update! Who would have thunk it? A POST! After all this time and here I am making a post, but wait there is more! I have a toon to boot. Wow it must be your lucky day it’s a double whammy happy blog experience. (That word experience! What synonyms can one use instead of EXPERIENCE? Come on peeps help me out here and leave some of your ideas in a comment.)

Well here I am. As most have you know, I have relocated to the sunny back water of Plettenberg Bay. If you don’t know where it is well… look it up you lazy reprobate! You are on the god damned internet! Yes I have made my way to the capital of friendliness the nirvana of welcome the one the only Plett! The land of the ‘Matric Rave’. Yes this is the place where the South African version of Spring Break is held every year.

No really come on guys, where are all the drunk teenaged girls? Where the hell are all the friendly people? Well I am yet to find a friendly local. I am yet to have the ‘moves’ put on me by some sobriety challenged young bikini wearing babe. Ah I suppose thats the price one must pay for being a middle aged long haired hippy with an expanding middle.

Oh hell middle aged! 31 next month. Sigh! Is that middle aged? If one of you decides to call me old I’ll… well it will be dire!
Anyway my visit to Cape Town was wholly successful! Much much friendlier than I remember it from when I left. What the hell! Did you guys miss me or something? Or did the local authorities hand out friendly pills? If so could you guys please send some down here? Some of these fuckers are in real need of a sense of humor upgrade.

Ok so here is the whole point to this rather pointless post is to tell you about this HUGE spider I found! Ok so it was like this gargantuan menace that decided that my maid was on the menu. I am not kidding when I say that insects here are huge! Which means that their predators are even huge…er? Its like the Lost World man. I am expecting a dinosaur to be chased across my lawn by pigmy gorilla men at any moment now. Anyway I digress (I like that word ‘digress’. Don’t you? Its very visceral sounding.)

My poor maid was been dragged out the door by this enormous hairy freak with way too many legs. Big hairy legs I tell you, horrible! And the spider had even hairier ones. Eww! Well I could not let her be taken to certain death; I mean the house was not even clean yet. So I grabbed the heaviest pan/pot thing I could find in the cupboard and a pickle jar. Well I will spare the details of blood curdling screams and the icky mess that resulted (I was scared ok. Who would blame me?) I eventually managed to get the behemoth into the jar. I tell you if I had not taken the pickles out first I would never have got him in there. Ok so now subdued and contained I did what any sane acrophobic ex-biologist would do. I kept him on my desk for three days. I called him Fred. He was my mascot while I massacred the evil denizens of Azeroth (yes yes WoW reference.) He did growl rather menacingly when I started killing the spiders in Stone Talon Mountains, so I stopped that. I let him go eventually as I did get rather attached to him and he would not eat the moths and bugs I so lovingly caught for him. Last I saw of him he was slinking into the brush way way way down the other end of the garden dragging a struggling Alsatian with him. Sigh! Ok the point! While sitting in that jar he inspired me to draw a cartoon. Well here it is but for the life of me can I come up with a suitable caption. As it is not quite finished yet I decide to have a bit of a competition. Ye just like Schpat I will resort to devious tactics to get you guys to read this stuff. Its simple, give me a suitable quote/caption in a comment and I will put that on the final product. I do apologize for the rather sloppy drawing technique but I am way out of practice. Please may my critics show some restraint and make some friendly and positive comments.

Ok Boys and Girls sleep tight don’t let the hairy things with too many legs invade your dreams.

O_K


7 comments:

19891006 said...
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sxwwdfox said...
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totalwaste said...

umm: did the previous attempts involve something white and sticky? like a web?

"look - i'm really sorry, okay? okay? look, at least you didn't get any of my web in your eye!"

babyacid said...

"Just hurry up and get to the part where you eat me." -flygirl

"Honey, Do I look fat in this web?" -flygirl

"FlyGirl Cherry Flavored Inflatable Honeys(tm), totally organic and biodegradable." -spiderguy

babyacid said...

"Mental note: Porta-potty in next web." -spiderguy

Emerald said...

Thanks for writing this.

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